on nature and spirituality

Sunrise1A few weeks ago, I woke up in the morning feeling depressed. As the day progressed, I felt lethargic, unhappy, and completely out of sorts with myself and the world around around me. I told my husband that evening after he got home that I wasn’t feeling very good, and we went to bed without saying much of anything. I hoped that the next morning, I would wake up my usual groggy, but happy, self. It didn’t happen. The next day, I felt even worse. After coming back from my morning walk, I began to groom my dogs like I typically do. I ended up cutting one of Holly’s nails too short, and as it was bleeding she started to whimper. This made me start crying, and when I bent down to look at her nail, she defensively snapped at me and ended up biting my face.

I am fully aware that dog bites are a incredibly touchy subject with people, but more than half of the time, it is usually the fault of the humans that provoke an attack. Holly is old, has cancer, and is getting to be almost impossible to groom. I have a muzzle for her to prevent incidences like this from happening, and know to only groom her for a maximum of 5-10 minutes a day. Normally she will get annoyed and then walk away when she’s done. In the four years that I’ve owned her, this was the first time that she had actually bit me. I should’ve left her muzzle on, should’ve been more gentle, shouldn’t have tried looking through tears, and shouldn’t have hovered over her like I did. While she did break the skin, it wasn’t serious enough to get stitches. It startled me more than anything. Afterwards, she came up to me and began licking my face, then rolled over in submission. Needless to say, we were friends again. It was a stupid error on my part.

The remainder of the day did not get any better. I was on the verge of crying all day, so I buried myself in my work and tried to hide from the world. That night, I picked up Lena Dunham’s audiobook “Not That Kind Of Girl” from the library, and drove around the city, finding errands to run, just as an excuse to keep listening to it. It was the first time that I had laughed in two days, and I found myself feeling a little better. I got home late that night, still feeling a little sad, and went to bed.

Sunrise3On the third morning, I woke up disappointed to realize that my mood hadn’t changed from the night before. My dogs, who usually like sleeping in until 9:00 am, got up with me at 7:30 am. They were probably too well-rested from my frequent early nights. By 8:30 am, we were out of our hour-long walk. Everything from the ground, to the trees, to the fences, had frost on it. The sun was rising, and the sky was the brightest pink and yellow, mixed in with a bit of blue. It was gorgeous. It was also -22°C (-8°F), but there was not a lick of wind. Being overly dressed in my standard Canada winter wear, I was toasty and content. As I walked into the sunrise, snapping photos and playing with the dogs, I felt myself feeling better. I could sense that something was different about that morning.

Sunrise2We turned left at the end of the road, and walked past all of the acreages towards some empty fields. When we got to a clearing, I stopped to watch the sun still coming up over the horizon. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement. There, in the distance, were about 20 deer prancing across the field, towards the sun. Look closely at the above photo. Can you see them in the centre? It was the most beautiful thing that I had witnessed in such a long time. I quickly grabbed my phone so that I could always remember this moment, and took a series of photographs. After they had crossed the field and disappeared, we continued on our walk. A few minutes later, my phone ended up dying from the cold, even though it was just at 60%. Damn, I thought. However, I was still relieved to have taken a few pictures.

We went as far as the road could go, turned around, and began to make our way back home. The sky was almost completely pink at that point, and I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be able to witness it on such an amazingly still morning. After a few minutes, I saw quick movements to my right in the field opposite the one where I had just seen the herd of deer. I looked over and to my surprise, I saw 6 or 7 more deer leaping across the field, then the road, and finally into the field where I had witnessed the herd before them. Once again, they vanished into the trees under the rising sun. I was astounded by the fact that Holly, Truman, and I were completely surrounded by these spectacular animals. We were in the centre of a ring of deer, and that I would probably never be able to experience something like this again. I felt like Snow White in the middle of an enchanted forest. It was such a magical feeling, and it was one that I was needing, that day, of all days.

Sunrise4Turning away from watching where they had just disappeared, I looked down the road. Standing in our path, was one lone deer. It was watching me, watching it. I thought, what’s it doing? Then I looked over, and saw one last little guy bounding across the field, towards the one that I was having a staring contest with. Once they were together, they both ran off in the same direction as the others. It was the sweetest thing ever. Animals are truly profound.

When we were more than halfway back, the sunrise was at its brightest point. I wanted to document it more than anything, but my phone had died quite awhile ago. Putting my hand into my pocket, I said to myself (sort of jokingly), if there is a God, my phone will turn on. I pulled it out, hit the power button, and the little Apple symbol came up. My phone switched on, and was back at 40%. Oh. My. God. I aimed, took one picture of the sky, and my phone turned off again. The battery was dead. Unbelieving of what just happened, we continued onwards towards home.

Sunrise5For the entire walk, a quote from the film Nymphomaniac was playing over and over in my mind. It was in the beginning of the movie, when Joe (Charlotte Gainsbourg) was describing herself to Seligman (Stellan Skarsgård). She said:

“Perhaps the only difference between me and other people is that I’ve always demanded more from the sunset. More spectacular colors when the sun hit the horizon. That’s perhaps my only sin.”

Those lines stayed with me more than anything else in the film. It was such a raw and honest moment, and a poignant one at that. Self-deprecation is something that I, too, do often. While I found the scenario to be a quite beautiful one, I found myself disagreeing whole-heartedly with that statement. I’ve always been in awe of both the sunrise and the sunset. Nothing makes me feel so little or unimportant as seeing them. In those moments, I realize that my petty problems are insignificant, as there are greater things to focus my attention on. I am also reminded of the fact that there is a God, whether it’s the Almighty One that Christians believe in, or not. I feel broken down and alive, all at the same time.

When I got home that morning and on that third day, I started to feel better. I wasn’t as sad as I had been for the last few days. The culmination of events that took place that morning were exactly what I had needed to pull me out of my depression. Everything in nature is and was just perfect. And whether we’re ready for it or not, the sun will rise again.

<3

Emory

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17 Comments

  1. Jord K

     /  12/18/2014

    Em,

    That was a very honest and well-written post. I admire your openness within the online community that you have created.

    I hope that you always continue to strive to follow your heart and pay attention to what truly makes you happy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Jord. It’s incredibly hard to be this honest sometimes, but at the same time, I’m not the only one who experiences these emotions. Thus I feel as if they need to be addressed.

      I love being able to treat my blog as a diary at times, because I know that I will receive positive reinforcements and support from people from all around the world. They alone make blogging all worth it.

      I don’t know where I would be without this, or the Instagram community!

      Like

  2. G

     /  12/18/2014

    This was a really beautiful post. It tugged at the heart. I wish I also had the luxury of early morning walks with sunrises and wildlife, instead of pitch black, cold drives to work….
    <3!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks bebe.

      Well, you can enjoy those walks on the weekend while I am at work. For now, I look forward to them every weekday morning. At least while it isn’t so cold yet. :-)))

      <3<3

      Like

  3. Joe

     /  12/17/2014

    So good. That was really a blog worth reading. Thanks so much.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Glad you feel better! Its funny how sometimes life just works itself out.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Mum

     /  12/17/2014

    My Emma. I sympathize with your heavy feelings and appreciate your honesty. I only have a bit of advice. Take it from someone whose moccasins have pounded the earth for a long time…. Relocate!!!! The photos look like you reside on the bloody tundra for heavens sake. It would take a lot of searching to find any beauty in that. Our bodies follow Mother Nature Mother Earth. Winter is a time of slumber. Stagnancy. Even the sun disappears into an abyss for months. Get outta Dodge while you can Emma. Life is short and life is unforgiving, therefore do what you love in a city you love. Hasta baby.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Saskatchewan isn’t so bad. At least right now. We’ve been relocating throughout our whole lives, and finally, I feel as if I’ve gotten some solidarity. I will stay here for awhile.

      Like

  6. Deborah

     /  12/17/2014

    These pics are amazing!

    And i thought about this line for a long time too:
    “Perhaps the only difference between me and other people is that I’ve always demanded more from the sunset. More spectacular colors when the sun hit the horizon. That’s perhaps my only sin.”

    xo
    http://www.everything713.blogspot.com.br

    Liked by 1 person

    • It was so profound. I love how they brought attention to it again in the last half of the film, and expanded upon it even further.

      Thanks for commenting!

      Like

  7. Beautiful!! Nothing is more spiritual than nature. Your photos and words capture the moments perfectly.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I wish that I had a camera other than my iPhone, but I wasn’t expecting to experience such a beautiful morning. Yes, nature is very spiritual.

      Thank you for your comment. <3<3

      Liked by 1 person

  8. What a beautifully honest account. Sometimes feeling down is unexplainable, when things you’d be fine with just wear you down until you collapse in a heap in bed. The strangest things help you snap out of it but I find stepping back from everything and some time alone, especially outdoors usually helps, as you said. I’ve been meaning to read ‘Not that kind of girl’ for some time, I will make sure I do in the new year. I hope you’re feeling better now! You must have so much on your plate, it is hardly surprising you needed some time out :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your comment, Holly. Yes, I don’t know what brings on these feelings of sadness, nor do I know why the weirdest things can help you crawl out of it. I’m thankful for when it does happen, though. (The latter part, that is.)

      I tried reading “Not That Kind of Girl” in book format, but could not get into it. So in a desperate attempt, I ordered it as an audio book. I highly suggest it on cd! It doesn’t sound right unless it’s coming from her. ;-)))

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’ll keep that in mind (regarding the audio book), I listen to audiobooks on the bus to and from work :)

        Liked by 1 person

  • Hello, friends. My name is Emory. I live on the Canadian prairies with my husband, daughter, and animals. Welcome!
    helloscarlettblog@outlook.com

  • Thank goodness for breastfeeding. My darling caught her first flu yesterday. I tried giving her bland foods and drinks all day- she wouldn't touch them. Then I tried her favourites- still nothing. Instead, all she wanted to do was nurse round the clock. That is how we spent the majority of the day- nursing, bathing, cuddling, barfing, repeating.
My goal was to breastfeed Remy until she was 18 months old. After that I had no plans. As she is nearing month 19 earthside, I've discovered that she has no intention of stopping. 
On the rare occasions when she's sick, I'm reminded of why we have kept it up for this long, and why we keep on going. I'm almost certain that she would've become dehydrated yesterday if it wasn't for me nursing her. So although fed is best, the breast is truly a gift. My little lovebug doesn't always want me for naps lately, but when she does, it makes me feel warm, loved, and needed. Also, look at her hand tucked inside of my shirt. I'm melting.
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