i’m still here

Hey everyone. I wanted to check in since going silent last month.

I hope that you’ve been having a great year, as short as it’s been. January has been a bit rough for us- between my husband being gone, tragedies with his work, sicknesses in our household, and a general feeling of sadness that I just cannot shake. Ordinarily, I am not this candid on my blog. Rather, I tend to save my true feelings for Instagram. However, I thought screw it. It’s time to be honest, and stop being afraid of what people might think.

I had quite a few mothers reach out to me in my last post regarding my miscarriage. Thank you. Thank you for being brave enough to share your stories, coping mechanisms, and more. I truly feel united to you all, and wish you nothing but the best. This is a safe space for those who would like to connect and tell their truths. I support everyone who wishes to do so, and will tolerate no hatred, bullies, or trolls. If the latter relates to you, your comments will not be approved nor read by me!

Looking back through my Instagram feed, I’ve noticed that since having Remy, my face has changed. I used to be a carefree and naive girl. Now, I feel like I physically, mentally, and emotionally am so different. I’ve grown up, and as such, my appearance has matured. I no longer try to look happy and perfect in my photos, but rather, have a look of contentment and solemnity. I also seem to never look at the camera, but to focus on Remy instead. This is not forced, it is instinctive. It is motherhood.

A few weeks ago I set out to capture a few outfit photos. I used to regularly feature my outfit of the day, and I wanted to try bringing that back. After looking through the images, I saw someone I didn’t recognize. My eyes look sad, my hair is its natural dark, and my smile is contrived. The images were so raw that I considered not posting them. Then, relating back to my second paragraph, I knew that they needed to be published. This is me in pain. This is me carrying on during the day as if I didn’t lose my second child. This is me in my current state. This is me needing to change. I’m going to stop putting myself last in our family and take the time to put effort into how I think, feel, and look. I’m going to do selfish things that make me feel like a normal person again. I’m going to colour my hair, get my nails done, and return to the gym. I’m going to stop suppressing my emotions and instead let them out. I deserve these things. We all do. We shouldn’t deny ourselves of self-care. I have for 2 years now, and it’s going to stop. This death doesn’t signify an end. This is the start of something new.

What do you guys do for self-love? What brings you back to feeling normal?

Emory

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10 Comments

  1. Desireé

     /  01/20/2018

    you write so beautifully. i am, as always, sending all my love to you + your family. i wish i could send you some “self-love” tips but i am struggle with that as well. i don’t always feel good enough, mentally, physically, and most of all emotionally. i forget about myself, and i am always putting my family first. i am hoping to change that this year and be more selfish. as hard as that sounds, and unnatural as it feels, i need to take care of myself because how can i care for my family if i am not feeling happy within. ❣️

    • Hello, Scarlett Blog

       /  01/22/2018

      Thanks for commenting Desiree. I can often relate to you when you write about putting yourself last. I feel like we can’t come first as mothers and wives. Yet, there comes a point where we have to at times, just to stay sane. I hope that we can both find a better balance with this.

      Emory
      xoxo

  2. First of all~ warm hugs, thoughts and prayers sent your way. I love your Insta and your Remy is an absolute doll. What do I do…? Hmmmm– I take time, try to center and reflect on who I am as a person. I live near oceans which, in their enormity, strength and constancy are always a comfort to me. I run. Alot ;) This, aside from prayer, is primarily what helped me begin unraveling emotions that I’d never even felt before I endured my own devastating loss. …and then there is the most wonderful day spa and their massages are DIVINE! Much love to you and your sweet family!

    • Hello, Scarlett Blog

       /  01/22/2018

      Oh thanks so much for your sweet comment!! I saw that you had posted on Instagram something about running in the morning to start your day. What a wonderful habit. That, and prayer and spa days! I try to do the latter two- one more often than the other. Great suggestions.

      Emory
      <3<3

  3. I am inspired by your post. Hope you can continue to be kind to yourself and show us the real you.

    • Hello, Scarlett Blog

       /  01/22/2018

      I am never kind to myself. This is something that I struggle with immensely. I hope that I can let down my guard as well with my blog! I so love reading other’s honesty, and aspire to do the same!

      As always, thanks for reading and commenting.

      Emory

      xoxo

  4. I hope this doesn’t sound trite, but what brings me back into balance is gratitude..and by that I mean a full on review of my blessings. I have a gratitude journal of simple one liners: my child made it back to school safely, my PAP test was normal, had lunch with a friend, took a long walk in the snow..simple stuff that nudges me back on track. It is powerful to write it down, and even more powerful to meditate on the YEARS of blessings.

    • Hello, Scarlett Blog

       /  01/22/2018

      Hi Cindy, thank you for your comment. Being grateful is a beautiful thing. I’m so glad that you are able to appreciate things both great and small. I normally do as well, although am having a hard time doing so as of late. I think that I need a good kick to snap out of my “depression”. You’re an inspiration to me.

      Emory

      <3<3

      • Oh, you are faaaar too sweet & you must not have read my post (confessional) today about what a freaky-worrier-loser I can be so trust me, I have my moments where I am SO far from inspiring it’s embarrassing. Go easy on yourself- you have been through a terribly sad experience and giving yourself time to emotionally rebuild is necessary and right.. You just don’t want to banish yourself to the shadows for too long though, mostly because we can get strangely comfortable with the “darkness” and loneliness and perceived safety there. You will be fine..you
        will be whole again and you will be a blessing to other women in a way that is unique and sacred because of this. 💜

        • Hello, Scarlett Blog

           /  01/22/2018

          You are beautiful.

  • Welcome, friends! My name is Emory. I am a wife and mother to three (one on earth, one in heaven, and growing another). This is our life on the Canadian prairies.
    email: helloscarlettblog@outlook.com

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